I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
