This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
