new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
