Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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