I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Everclear isn't food dammit
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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