Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
