Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
