somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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