remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
