There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
