Ambien. No doubt about it.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
