We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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