They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
