god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
