I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
