Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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