the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just puked most of my soul out..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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