You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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