wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I can feel your judgement through the phone
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
