My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
