I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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