I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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