please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
