So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize