I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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