In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
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