Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
