Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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