I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My ass is underappreciated
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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