Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
