You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
