Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
