Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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