you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize