Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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