Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
