do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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