it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
