I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
vagina is talking i cant
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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