Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
