Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
