I accidentally had phone sex last night
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
