Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i barfeds in our rink
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
