i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
