he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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