morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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