My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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