i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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