Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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