capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
