Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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