Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize