mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
