Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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