Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
