Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
